I can’t sleep. I know I need to be asleep. I want to be asleep. I’m even sleepy. But I just can’t get comfortable in this airplane seat. One day I’ll upgrade to first class and have a little room to stretch out. But for this trip I decided to upgrade my hotel instead of my flight.
Five star accommodations in Seville. I’m hoping it will make me feel comfortable about being alone in a foreign land with no ability to speak the language. My Spanish sucks. I can’t even understand Spanish speakers when they’re speaking English. But I’m guessing the staff at Hotel Alfonso XIII will be more than equipped to handle an illiterate like myself.
This trip is a gift to myself. And a challenge. I just stepped out of my comfort zone by leaving my employer of the past 12 years. I know everyone there. I know how things work. I know how to get things done. And despite promises – and maybe even intentions – to the contrary, I know that they’re never going to promote me. I can deal with a lot of things. Disappointment. Sadness. Despair. But I don’t do well with hopelessness. And so when I reached the point of seeing no chance of moving up, I felt forced to leave. And to my surprise, leaving felt good. Leaving felt great.
My reward for this act of bravery is the challenge to continue to be brave. Step one is to take this trip alone. Well, I’m cheating on that front. I’m meeting my friend Priscilla in Madrid on Saturday. But Seville is a solo act. I have no real itinerary and no English-Spanish dictionary. I’m approaching this as an adventure. It’s preparation for how I plan to approach my life post European vacation. All the things I’ve been putting on hold – for who knows why – will be put into motion. I will breathe deeply and dive right in.
So what is step two? Step two is moving forward with something I should have done 10 years ago. I will buy an apartment. After more than a decade in NYC, I finally accept it as home. That’s where I live. That’s where I thrive. But you can’t really thrive when you view your life tentatively. Nothing’s permanent. Everything could change. You can up and relocate at any moment. The freedom of my homeless state is truly liberating. I can go anywhere. Do anything. But where the hell am I going? How is my so-called freedom serving me. It serves to keep me in a suspended state. Never putting down roots. Never nourishing relationships. Never building community. Just a 38 year old Peter Pan, happy to be alone and taking dirty laundry to my mom’s house on holidays. Who does that???
Step three is putting an end to my loneliness. To quote a great friend from my high school days, I am jonesing for affection. I need to feel important to someone. I need someone to look forward to seeing me. And I need to need someone else. Don’t be mistaken: I have a fantastic family back in Virginia, a group of the best girlfriends the east coast has ever seen, and the cutest, most adorable, most loving goddaughter to walk the earth. Those people are incredibly important to me. But finally, I am forced to admit that they’re not enough. Familial love and platonic love have powered me all my life. But without romantic love, a gaping hole remains.
So here goes. A step toward a new life. I am so lucky and blessed because my life is already phenomenal. But I dare to imagine what else is in store for me. Right now, I stand wide-eyed like a kid on Christmas morning, just before she unwraps the biggest gift under the tree. With my breath caught up with anticipation, I dare to do it once more. To dream. To love. To open this great gift. To hope once more.
Nikki's Big, Passionate Life 
Wow, Nikki this is amazing. You are walking by Faith not by site and there is so much in store for you. I have to say that you have no idea how much this will post will help those who read it, you have inspired me and I know that I will soon have some choices to make. Thank you again for your honesty and being so open about your feelings, I can’t wait to read the next entry to your blog.
Good luck in your journey.
Nikki I must admit that I am very impressed not only by your courage and strength to step out on faith but also your writing skills! You definitely captured my attention with your ability to say so much in a short amount of space. ‘Hopelessness’ is not a good emotion on us Leos and I so relate to this new journey you’re embarking on. I applaude your bravery!!!!
I am so excited for you Nikki! Enjoy the adventure in Spain. I’m notorious for traveling alone to lands where I don’t speak the language. It forces you to let your guard down and meet people you probably wouldn’t have met if you were other folks so take full advantage.
Your step 2 was my decision for when I moved to Virginia. I was looking to buy a place in NYC, but when grad school presented itself I felt there wasn’t a reason why I should “create roots” in VA for the time I am in the area. When I move again, I plan to buy property again because I do think it’s important to create roots. Similar to you I had lived in NYC for 11yrs and lived as if I was about to move in less than a year. But to your point, where was I going?
Finally with step 3…I’m right there with you. This is a realization I have had recently myself. Not certain how to proceed in this area, but I have claimed it so God will see me (us) through.
Nikki… I’m glad you’re back and I am with you on the adventure. I think the next half of our lives will so out perform the first! I’m excited for you and with you. Let’s ride… baby. Actually, you can run with me!
Go Niki! You’ve always struck me as a driven woman, quite inspiring from a distance, I’m applauding your courage and pray that you’ll be inspired to share even more of your life with women like me! Without risk, there is no reward…you’re doing it!
You better do it!!! I’m snapping right now. You know how they do it at poetry readings. If you listen closely enough, you may be able to hear it :-). Not to go too old school, but let’s face it, that’s who I am. You, my friend, are da bomb! Do You! Drink it, drive it, taste it, ride it, fly it, race it, love it, live it! It’s your life. Can’t wait to hear all about your Adventures Espanol.
You go girl. Go get it. Go for it. You are as very special person and I am proud to know you and have been enriched by the experience of it. Thank you.
Nikki, I am so proud of you! You go girl! You inspire me! What a wonderful blog. I look forward to hearing more about your journey….remember faith is the substance of things hoped for, but the evidence of things not seen…keep the faith and God’s will for your life will unfold before your eyes…
Nikki, the best thing you can do is go to a forgein country by yourself. You will have a great time! You are so right with everything, I feel the same way. And, as you I know it will come one day. The good thing is I know now how to appreciate that Love and if he, sorry when he fines me I know he will too. Love you!
Nikki,
Not sure if you remember me from Acquisition days but a colleague let me know about your blog. Bravo. I think a lot of people at our employer feel as you do and I’ve had the same thoughts…you’re just a step ahead of me on the action front. I agree with you not only about your career choice (you have to be moving forward and we do best for both ourselves and our employers by finding employers who are moving us forward) but also what you say about love. Gotta be moving forward on that front too. Best of luck and I’ll keep an eye on your blog.
i sooooo look up to you, my little sister. love you.